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Four keys to managing difficult behaviour in children |
Sandra Azar, a Boston-based psychologist, believes there are four main rules for parents to follow if they are to do a “good-enough” job of parenting and thereby promote the best-of-all outcomes for their children.
Azar says that many families have unclear rules and then it’s really hard for kids to know what’s going on. Families argue more about unclear rules than they do about clear rules. Of course, the rules don’t have to be many, but maybe the ones that matter are things like: talking respectfully to one another, no violence in this household, tell the truth and play fair. Of course, the rules will vary from home to home but these are some of the main ones.
Like everything where children are involved, these rules have to be explained to them in a language that they will understand, for example, “In this family we don’t …..”, or, “I don’t want you to ….”. Use short clear sentences and explain the consequences for repeated offences. Try to make a consequence logical. That is, refusing to respond to a child who yells at you is a logical consequence, but taking away his or her chance to watch TV is not.
When you find children following the rules, use descriptive praise where you can. For example you could say to a child: “You know when you put your bag away today without being asked, I was so pleased that you showed such thoughtfulness.”
2. Use calm discipline
Children need their parents to be calm when violations of family rules occur.
Parents also need to think along the lines: if it’s worth having a rule about – it’s worth following through with the consequence. While Azar accepts that we’re all human and therefore at times inconsistent, we also need to strive for consistency where children are concerned. Children who get their own way because they yell and scream and carry-on like pork chops learn that by yelling and screaming and carrying on like a pork chop this time and getting away with it, next time they are more likely to get their own way.
But getting back to the issue of appropriate discipline … When as parents we try to control children by yelling or screaming or by shaming or putting the children down, we teach them negative messages about how to get on in life. When parents explain the clear rules to their children they need to also explain what will happen when this rule is not kept. Give a clear and short warning with a quiet but firm voice: “If/when/next time you do this again ….. this will happen” and then do it.
Parents need to act and not get caught-up in long discussions with the child. Parents need to then finish the conflict when the consequence is applied – not lecture – and then suggest that the child move on by saying something like, “It’s alright now – go and play”. Nagging the child only teaches that we are not confident as parents.
3. Monitoring is okay
In her study of children from abused families, Azar found out that the children who were at greater risk of delinquency and other childhood problems had parents who did not monitor them.
What she found was that kids who come from unmonitored households were more likely to develop problems than those who came from monitored households. Azar says that “who?-what?-where?-how?-parents” have children who grow up to be more psychologically healthy than parents who “give-up”.
Asking children questions like: “Who are you going with?” “Are there going to be any other adults there?” “What are you going to do?” may get a horrible reaction from your teenager, but parents should be encouraged to know that this is exactly what they should be doing if they are to promote their children’s best interests.
4. Teach them to solve problems
In her research on children’s development, Azar found that the children who did better had parents who helped them to solve personal problems themselves rather than solving problems for them.
Those parents that helped children to define a problem and to think about solutions had helped their children to be more competent individuals. Parenting actions such as helping children generate solutions, and plan and implement agreements were better off than those children who weren’t helped in this way.
These four key aspects of helping children develop into healthy individuals are something all parents can do. It’s often just a matter of keeping these parenting recipes in the forefront of one’s mind. The fruit of using these strategies is not likely to be seen overnight. Being a parent is often a tough job. But, when we look at the outcomes for children, if we don’t do these things, it’s probably better to have had “a go” than not to have tried.
Remember
- Clear rules/clear consequences;
- Use calm discipline;
- Monitoring is okay; and
- Try to encourage your children to solve problems for themselves.
Michael Hawton is a child and family psychologist.
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